That’s one sassy pickle. Contents: one pickle.
Oct
21
2009
Oct
20
2009
Oct
09
2009
Oct
05
2009
Communist Pirates
- Me: I could've used you again to make a picture of a communist pirate, but I'll let them figure that one out.
- Justin: Ah.
- Justin: JOSEF, ARM THE CANNON.
- Me: YAR, CZAR.
- Justin: WALK THE PLANK, COMRADE.
- Me: I'LL SEND YE DOWN TO DAVY JONES' CONCRETE STORAGE BOX HE SHARES WITH THE REST OF HIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
- Justin: WE SHALL HAVE OUR BOOTY -- EACH ACCORDING TO HIS ABILITY TO EACH ACCORDING TO HIS NEEDS.
- Me: ALL HANDS ON DECK TO THE POSITIONS SELECTED FOR YE WHEN YE WAS IN GRADE SCHOOL.
- Justin: I really didn't think we could top YAR, CZAR but I think we did.
- Justin: Maybe YARXISM.
- Me: I was trying to do something with proletariat, but it never happened.
Jul
27
2009
A Brief Moment in the Life of Thomas Reimann
I’m standing in line at 7-11, paying for my can of Pringles and bottle of water, when the guy in line behind me takes notice of the particular method of transaction I’ve chosen to employ.
“Oh, he’s taking out the credit card,” this man remarks, and slides a can of Colt 45 towards me. “Put that on there.”
I force a laugh and say, “No.”
“Oh come on,” he urges. “Do me a favor, you can put that on there.”
I place more emphasis on the “No”, adding that I have my own credit problems to worry about without adding his to the mix. Inexplicably, he then says to me, “You look like Christopher Reeve. You know that actor?”
“What?” I say, because he is mumbling and difficult to understand.
“That actor. Christopher Reeve. Did he get better?”
“What do you mean?”
“He was paralyzed,” he says. “Did he ever get better?”
“No, he’s dead,” I tell him.
“What?” This has rocked the axis of his world.
“Yea, he died,” I assure him. “He’s been dead for like six years.”
“I didn’t know that,” he says, his red eyes brimming with confusion.
“Yep,” I say, and I pick up my bagged snack food and walk out.
enjoy the silence,
thomas
Jul
20
2009
The Making of Mission Difficult 3: Final Assault. This is part one of four, all of which are now on YouTube. So, you know, go watch them.
Jul
07
2009
Jul
06
2009
Michael Jackson Is Scary
- Me: the more pictures i see of michael jackson, the more terrifying his face becomes
- Justin: seriously
- Justin: my mind wants to soften it up for me
- Justin: but then im right back in
- Me: he looks like he could unhinge his jaw and swallow my memories
- Justin: it looks like an albino starfish with two 8-balls in a headlock
- Me: he looks like predator's uncle
- Justin: he looks like the cryptkeeper's senior portrait
- Me: he looks like lon chaney's poltergeist
- Justin: he looks like one of jabba the hutt's henchmen
- Me: he looks like one of the dead bodies from the ring
- Justin: i keep waiting for him to crawl out of a well
- Me: or spiderwalk backwards down a staircase
Jun
23
2009
PICTURE, ESQ.
A friend of mine wanted to see my tattoos, so here they are. Note the Ghostbusters video game in the right corner. That sums up my life, pretty much.
Jun
12
2009
Joe Pesci Defends Getting A Tattoo Of Daniel Stern On His Chest
Why is everybody gawking at me when I’m tryin’ to take my shirt off?! It’s the friggin’ beach, you want I should just wear my shirt in this heat?! I mean, it’s silk, it breathes, it feels good on my skin, but I came to the beach to get some sun! If I wanted to keep my shirt on, I would’ve gone to a movie about the beach. I took the time to drive all the way out here, didn’t I?
Oh I get it. It’s the tattoo, isn’t it? Everybody’s gotta have an opinion about the freakin’ tattoo. Okay, okay, okay, take a friggin’ picture already, I’m sick of this! Just tryin’ to stretch my legs out on the sand here, and suddenly everybody’s staring at me like a freakin’ Magic Eye.
Yea, as a matter of fact, it is Daniel Stern. You got a problem with that? The man’s my friend, you’re gonna tell me you don’t have any pictures of your friends in your wallet? I know this is not my wallet, what do you think I’m a friggin moron? This way I don’t have to go take my wallet out all the time, I just look down and there he is. What? Don’t I think what is strange? Hey, I didn’t drive all the way out here to get harassed, so why don’t you and your soccer sandals get the hell outta my face?!
Jesus, what is it with you people? Yes, actually, this is a different SPF, if the tattoo gets too much sun it’ll fade. Well of course I want it to stay there forever, if I didn’t I would’ve just put his face on a t-shirt! Now please, can I eat this hot dog in peace? Do you mind, is that okay?
I swear the next person that bothers me is getting drowned in the freakin’ ocean. What? Yes, as a matter of fact he is winking. Friends wink at each other, that’s what they do! The guy was going to add a thumbs-up too, but I passed out in the chair. What?! The man is my friend, it’s a beautiful thing!
Fine! Fine! I’m leaving. Is everyone happy now? What? So what if I have a Moonwalker beach towel, there’s something wrong with that, too? Ah, just forget it, you people got a lot of nerve ruining a perfectly good day for me. I hope every last one of you gets eaten by a fucking shark.
The Switch Has Been Thrown. Await Instructions.
