I think your song is rad, and you're an attractive musician that likes comic books - don't think you have much to feel bad about!
Oh I don’t feel bad, I’m just expressing frustration with my fellow comic/music/gaming enthusiasts. Though I thank you for your kind words of encouragement, Secret Admirer, and I’m glad you found my song sufficiently toe-tappin’.
At some point the fans of these communities decided it was up to them to prevent new people from joining them at all costs.
I wrote a column about how comic book and music fans hate their fellow enthusiasts more than anything else in the entire universe. To wit - I embedded a YouTube clip of one of my songs, purely for illustrative purposes and not at all to stroke my own boundless ego, in the body of the column. Within an hour of this article going live, I got a personal message on YouTube (a personal message, mind you, because I had disabled comments and made the video unlisted so the only way you can watch it is by getting the link through my column) that said “Your song is a true piece of shit. You have no talent whatsoever.” Hating it was not enough - this person literally could not go on with his or her life without personally letting me know that I didn’t deserve to make music.
Old school jams, straight outta 2005. I recorded this song in an office park next to a Lowe’s the weekend before Revenge of the Sith came out. I’m mostly posting this because I need to link to a clip of this song in an upcoming column and I didn’t want to upload it to YouTube. So listen if you like, but feel free to skip it.
But, if you’re reading this in the future because the link in my column sent you here, HAVE THE MACHINES TAKEN OVER? TELL US. And then click play and listen for a few seconds.
Some maniac courageously dared to ask ‘What if the Germans had invaded the Soviet Union with breasts instead of tanks?’ Turns out plenty of other maniacs were wondering the same thing.
Operation Barbarossa is a softcore hentai card game wherein you play as sexy Nazis that got funded in record time on Kickstarter, and I wrote about how sad that must make everyone who lived through World War II.
So in Three Kings, when Mark Wahlberg gets asked this question…
…is his interrogator really asking what’s wrong with all of us?
THIS WEEK:Jack O’Brien, Tom Reimann, and Jason Pargin (David Wong) ask if our self-consciousness could turn us completely Jacko if we all had Michael’s money, time, and lack of emotional support. Plus, discover the weirdness of male voicemail greetings, the conformism of biker gangs, and the benefits of “Douchebag Yoga.”
If you made a flipbook of the following entries, it would transport you to a photonegative reality full of tarantulas and spoiled meat.
If you’ve ever been to the Internet Movie Database (or IMDb, if you’re cool [and I know you’re cool]), you may have noticed that every single movie on their site has a handy Parents Guide, describing any and all objectionable content to help parents decide if the movie is appropriate for their kids to watch. All of these Parents Guides were apparently written by insane robots, and in today’s new column, I picked out the craziest ones, including Tango and Cash, Aladdin, The Goonies, The Monster Squad, and this gem from Conan the Barbarian:
…is as random and unlikely as Archduke Franz Ferdinand’s real assassination.
THIS WEEK:Tom Reimann, Kristi Harrison, Jason Pargin (David Wong), and Jack O’Brien dig into the unbelievable ways JFK predicted his own demise, Hitler Forrest-Gumped his way to significance, and how it’s not ridiculous to write a movie where two bullets collide in mid-air.
THIS WEEK: Cracked columnist/editor Tom Reimann, musician Mike “Danger Van” Gorder of Countless Thousands, and comedian/Phil Collins superfan Chet Wild join Adam Tod Brown to uncover the real cheeseball behind Genesis’s demise, work out why phone calls are secretly audio Snapchats, and break down the least anticipated movies of March 2014.
You can actually see the invisible touch grab right hold of his heart.
Hey, I’m on the Unpopular Opinion podcast this week, talking with Adam Tod Brown, Chet Wild, and Danger Van Gorder about Phil Collins, Domino’s Pizza, the Need for Speed trailer, and another shitty Tyler Perry movie. You literally cannot afford not to listen to it.
Hi Tom. How do you deal with that one guy who hates your work? How do you get a thicker skin as a creative person? How do you stop yourself going down a spiral of self-loathing when someone talks shit about something you worked very hard on?
I think everybody handles it differently. I think step one would be to surround yourself with like-minded creative people whose opinions you really value. Being able to commiserate with someone over that hateful review or comment or tweet or private message or whatever takes a whole lot of the weight off of your shoulders. For example, a hundred years ago I wanted to be a musician. So, I played open mics all over my hometown, just going in cold and not knowing anyone. But I would sit around and talk to all the other people who had signed up, so when each of us got up to play, it wouldn’t matter how terrible we were, because we could look across the bar or coffee shop or whatever at the others and just kind of smile and shrug it off. That story seemed a lot more relevant and poignant in my head, but I guess what I’m trying to say is you need to start off doing two things: one, you need to be creative for yourself, and not for anyone else. You write or paint or sing that thing until it is everything you wanted it to be. Two, when you decide that thing is ready to be shared with the entire world, you also make sure to share it with at least one person whose opinion really matters to you. The support and advice of a trusted friend or colleague is all the armor you need.
There’s more to it, of course - the creative business is roughly 99% cold, remorseless rejection (and some of that rejection is bitterly personal). You have to be content to beat your head against the wall for a very, very long time with little to no encouragement from the rest of the world. And you’ll build up a fine callous, to be sure, but you’re still going to have those days when you just feel like crying and self-destructing in an explosion of pizza and ice cream. But as long as you’re happy with what you’re creating (more or less), and you have a good group of people who are going through the same thing and can help shoulder the burden, it should keep things from getting too terribly dark. The sting will gradually fall off most of the negativity you get hit with until it eventually just becomes something you show to your friends and laugh at.
Robert is right, though. No matter how much time you spend perfecting something, or how much of your true, honest self you pour into it, someone out there is going to hate it with every fiber of their being. And they will take great steps to make sure that you, personally, know how much they hate that shitty piece of shit that you made. But, at least one person out there is really going to love that thing that you made. So what do you do?
You shouldn’t do things, because no matter how beautiful and perfect it turns out, somebody on the internet will notice one tiny, totally irrelevant mistake you made and they will shit all over you for it. Then everybody will upvote the shitter for shitting on you, as if to say “yes, shit on them. Shit all over them. Forever. Never stop shitting on them.”
You should probably just eat pudding out of a mixing bowl and die in your sleep instead.
"How dare you try to write jokes on the Internet that I can choose to read or not read for absolutely free! C’mon, guys! Let’s shit on this from safely atop our wall of risk-free armchair criticism!"
I read several dozen stories a year from miserable, lonely guys who insist that women won’t come near them despite the fact that they are just the nicest guys in the world.
..I’m asking what do you offer? Are you smart? Funny? Interesting? Talented? Ambitious? Creative? OK, now what do you do to demonstrate those attributes to the world? Don’t say that you’re a nice guy — that’s the bare minimum.
“Well, I’m not sexist or racist or greedy or shallow or abusive! Not like those other douchebags!”
I’m sorry, I know that this is hard to hear, but if all you can do is list a bunch of faults you don’t have, then back the fuck away..
..Don’t complain about how girls fall for jerks; they fall for those jerks because those jerks have other things they can offer. “But I’m a great listener!” Are you? Because you’re willing to sit quietly in exchange for the chance to be in the proximity of a pretty girl (and spend every second imagining how soft her skin must be)? Well guess what, there’s another guy in her life who also knows how to do that, and he can play the guitar. Saying that you’re a nice guy is like a restaurant whose only selling point is that the food doesn’t make you sick. You’re like a new movie whose title is This Movie Is in English, and its tagline is “The actors are clearly visible”.
Not every filmmaker’s passion project turns out to be ‘Star Wars.’
Hey, I wrote a column about the time Hollywood enthusiastically supported George Lucas’s obviously terrible crusade to make Howard the Duck into a movie, because they thought everything George Lucas touched would transform into strippers and cocaine. Also, John Travolta spent two decades trying to bring Battlefield Earth to the silver screen, because it is difficult to keep your perspective after three Look Who’s Talking movies.