That is “Shell Shocked” by Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa, and Ty Dolla $ign. It jumps from describing the four Ninja Turtles and the unbeatable power of brotherhood to talk of teaming up with your friends to make shitloads of money for Lamborghinis and Rolexes (which suggests that the new film features a sequence wherein Master Splinter teaches his four young protegees how to ball like motherfuckers). And before you dismiss this video as being unimportant to your life, you need to understand something: Rap songs about Ninja Turtles used to fucking dominate the pop charts.
This past week, Archie Comics went the distance and flat-out fucking killed their eponymous star. OK, so he only died in Life With Archie, a comic about an alternate reality where Archie’s an adult. Sure, Archie sacrifices himself to an assassin’s bullet that was meant for his gay pal. But holy shit, people, this is Archie we’re talking about. He’s not Superman, out there fighting universe-eating aliens on the daily. Motherfucker’s pissed away the past seven decades drinking milkshakes and failing calculus. Archie’s shooting is like cracking open the funny pages only to witness Hi and Lois getting executed by FARC guerrillas or Ziggy ODing on muscle relaxants.