Danny Glover Auditions for the Role of The Penguin in ‘Batman Returns’

First things first - I ain’t wearin’ no monocle, jack. It ain’t happening. If you or him or whoever hands me a piece of paper and I see the word “monocle”, that’s it. Try to make me some black Cyclops. Not this motherfucker. Yea. Yea, that’s right. You better give that monocle to Pee Wee. Don’t even let me see it.

Alright, let me see this… “Oswald enters the room and addresses his men”…Oswald. Who is Oswald? I thought this was for Batman, ain’t no dudes named Oswald in Batman, Tim. What? Oh, he is. Oh, ok. You should put a note or something so it doesn’t read so confusing, tryin’ to trip people up. This ain’t the Gong Show, you sonofabitch.

Ok. “Oswald enters the room and addresses his men.” What? Oh, she’s supposed to read that? Well why isn’t she? She’s just sitting there, hasn’t said diddly shit since I walked in, just writing on that damn notepad. How old are you anyway? You don’t even know who the hell I am, do you? Probably thought I was here to shine Tim’s shoes, didn’t you? You can’t talk anymore. She’s not allowed to talk anymore, Tim. Tell her to turn her chair around, I don’t even want to see her face while I’m up here. I said get that monocle away from me, Pee Wee! Hey, I’m calm. I’m calm. You need to calm down with that monocle.

Alright, let’s go. “Oswald enters the room…” Oh, right. Why did you even put this shit on my paper if you didn’t want me to say it? Burger King can give me a Whopper with no tomatoes, you can give me a script without all this extra shit. Ok, lemme just skip to the dialogue, that’s what you all want to see anyway, right? Except you. You keep your white ass turned around, don’t even let me see your head move.

“I have a name – Oswald Cobblepot. These are my penguins. They can’t get a cab, neither.” What? What’s everyone laughing at? Oh, I get it. Ok, laugh it up everybody. Laugh at a black man trying to bring a serious civil rights issue to light. I don’t get what you’re smiling about, Tim, with your crazy ass hair no cab driver’s gonna pick you up either. Just like Gary Busy, no one stops for that motherfucker. You know, you ain’t the first bunch of assholes to play bad jokes on people. On Lethal 2 someone put a bunch of Nazi shit in Mel Gibson’s trailer, but he didn’t lose his cool.

You know what? I’m done. You’re all just a bunch of punk ass kids trying to play dress up. Call me when you want to use some real professionals, Tim. And give me back that dashiki, I changed my mind, you can’t have it. Your racist ass might as well make a movie about a black man in a gorilla suit.