SOME AWESOME THINGS I’VE SEEN/HEARD AT COURT THIS WEEK:
- A minivan with a bumper sticker that said “We breastfeed for as long as we need!”
I don’t feel strongly enough about anything to slap it in a declarative sticker on the back of my car, unless someone prints one replete with the phrase “T-Rex will eat your face to death”. Evidently the whole breastfeeding issue is a real hotbed of debate, though, because a quick internet search found no less than 847 pro-breastfeeding bumper stickers for sale on cafepress.com, just in case you want to force everyone behind you in the KFC drive thru to think about your angry, shriveled teats.
- The sentence “He went back out to his car, so that’s when I got the pickaxe” spoken by a man with tattoos on his neck.
I don’t ever want to know the context of this statement. It would be like the day I found out Santa Claus wasn’t real.
- An endless caravan of adults who have no idea how to dress themselves for important situations.
Without exception, 90 percent of the men aged teen to forty that show up for court look like they’re wearing their older brother’s Sunday clothes. Reebok Pumps and a pair of oversized khakis that have never been in the same building as an ironing board may have been completely acceptable for your fifth grade class photo, but they don’t create the impression of a person that shouldn’t be in jail forever. Most women fare a little better than the men, but there’s still a good portion that look like they stole their wardrobe from a hooker’s lifeless body. I saw a girl in four inch heels try to chase her phone down the escalator like a giraffe with polio. If anyone saw an animal moving like that in the wild they would kill it immediately out of mercy.
