Jason Vorhees Stalks the Lamest Party in History

Jesus Christ, what the hell are they doing in there? I’ve been sitting in this bush for three fucking hours and I don’t think anyone’s left the damn kitchen. I can’t even see inside the window, this is ridiculous. It’s like eleven thirty, how come nobody’s upstairs having sex yet? Is this the right house?

I keep throwing rocks at the siding but no one’s coming out. Did kids just stop investigating strange noises over the past thirty years? Maybe if I use a bigger rock… no, nothing. I don’t think they can hear me over Death Cab for Cutie. Man, my knees are getting stiff. I should start taking supplements.

Boy, they didn’t have much of a turnout tonight. I mean, I didn’t show up right on time, I had some stuff to do, but there’s only like five cars here. Is there a football game or something? Oh, you know what, that new Transformers movie came out, I bet that’s where everyone is. Dammit, Jason. I used to be on top of that shit. The same thing happened on opening night of The Ghost and the Darkness.

Nobody’s even come outside to make a beer run or smoke a cigarette. How is that possible? It’s the middle of July, shouldn’t there be a couple of jackasses out front playing hacky sack? Get a Papa John’s guy out here or something, I don’t care, just give me something to work with. I found half of a garden gnome over by the mailbox and I really want to stab someone in the face with it.

Maybe if I move around towards the back. I think I heard people out there earlier. Ok Jason, time to turn the stealth on, let’s go 007 through these bushes… fucking dammit, I dropped my goddamn cellphone. Shit. Man, I can’t see a thing, there’s no way I’m going to find it. Perfect. I’m so disappointed in myself.

Alright, there’s no one on the back porch either. At least I can get close enough to this window to see inside… wait, what? Everyone’s just standing around. What’s with all the beards, is this a poetry reading? And why the hell is that guy wearing a scarf? It’s July. Is this like a youth hospice? All these kids look like they have rickets. Wait a minute, is that… oh, no freaking way. Mike’s Hard Lemonade? This is fucking bananas, I’m outta here. Kids act like I’m made of time or something. I tell you what though, I’m keeping this gnome, I don’t care. I don’t even care. Bunch of dicks. I’m so flaming this place on Twitter as soon as I get a new phone.