4 Reasons the Midnight Release of Resident Evil 6 was More Terrifying than an Actual Zombie Apocalypse
This is something I originally pitched for Cracked but didn’t run, so I’m putting it up here. Timely, I know. Also, as I have since come to lean, the game apparently stars Jamie Lannister:
The latest game in the Resident Evil series was recently released, offering us a frightening new chapter in the ongoing saga of survival horror. However, the midnight release of the game was arguably more terrifying than anything you are likely to experience while playing it.
4. Everyone In Attendance Was Clearly Infected With Something
It became clear almost immediately that the foul stench pushing at the four walls of Gamestop like a giant invisible marshmallow made of farts was lined with something more than just expired Axe Body Spray clinging to the folds of a dozen XXL t-shirts. There was actual disease present. Whether or not it was some mutation of the T-Virus is impossible to know, but you could clearly see it pooling wetly in the bloodshot eyes of the living corpses crowding around the flashing lights of the PS Vita display, shedding clouds of Dorito flavoring like crypt dust with each shambling step. Also, if you wanted to get a piece of the free pizza, you would almost certainly be caught in a boss battle against the bald guy with the pewter dragon necklace looming over it like a gargoyle.
3. People Were Desperately Trying to Preserve The Good Old Days
Everyone was crowding around a small, flickering television, playing previous Resident Evil games and forcing cheerful reminiscence about when the series was good. It was like a group of survivors huddled around an old computer that somehow escaped the destructive force of zombie Armageddon and watching videos of the time before the horror. As Resident Evil 2 unfolded weakly before them in the fading light of Gamestop’s display television, each of them knew that this historical document must be protected at all costs if their children and their children’s children were to ever know how great and wonderful the world once was.
2. Society Collapsed Into Madness
As midnight drew closer, the Gamestop staff pulled everyone together to participate in a small raffle, but the authority they once had over the kaleidoscope of despair around them evaporated in an instant. Once people realized they had a chance to claim something for themselves in the midst of their hopeless terror, law and order were torn to pieces and mindlessly devoured like Fergie in Planet Terror. The employees futilely tried to maintain order before abandoning their posts and tossing stickers and oversized display boxes into the churning, gnashing masses to save their own lives. Also, there were like zero females there, so the population is totally doomed.
1. No Hope Left
Once it was finally time to hand out the game, everyone was cast outside of the building and lined up against the wall, soaked in cold moonlight and wrapped in the ghostly creaking whispers of the windswept Panera awning next door. The Gamestop staff, nestled safely behind their security gate and bathed in mocking fluorescent light, handed Resident Evil 6 out one at a time like war rations – a tin of sardines, a flashlight, and a canteen full of rain water and dead spiders for your journey out into the wastes. One by one, the sallow faces dutifully collected their copies before turning their backs on the emotionless electric glow of the store, a pale jewel floating in a sea of blackness, and disappeared into the night to face the darkness alone. And to probably call out of work the next morning.
(Cribbed from the comments section of my latest Cracked article, in which I hurt people’s feelings by commenting on movies and make a joke about Jeremy Renner that at least two people clearly didn’t understand - yes, I know the “quitting movies” comment was made a few months ago,well after filming Hansel and Gretel would have inspired him to make it.)
…plus you spelled my name wrong, johnnycroft.
The latest installment in my monthly attempt to tell you what to do with your free time (or more specifically, what not to do). But seriously, Arnold in The Last Stand looks like an episode of Gumby if somebody lost the puppet and they glued eyes on a piece of bacon.
A link to my latest article on Cracked, wherein I make fun of terrible-looking movies. This is probably going to be revisited each month, so get used to seeing a version of this post cluttering up your Dashboard every four weeks.
Working late for Cracked.com. You can see one of Justin’s paintings keeping watch behind me.
Just finished the Cracked article. I will now watch Jurassic Park until I fall asleep.
All Good Things…
Merciful Buddha, I finally finished the Cracked article. I have no idea when it’s going to be on the website, but I’ll put a link here as soon as it goes up. Just another stepping stone on the path of my burgeoning internet celebrity.
And now, for no particular reason, I will begin a measured discussion of the motion picture Ice Spiders, which I watched last weekend. First let me begin by saying that I have always felt a star quality in Patrick Muldoon, even though he can’t act his way out of a soap dish. He’s got the stubble and the “everyone is stupid but me” look down, but he just hasn’t been able to break into major motion pictures since his role in Starship Troopers. And that’s too bad, because I really feel like he could be the villainous uncle in a Disney movie.
So, Ice Spiders concerns a ski lodge in I think Colorado where a military experiment involving spiders has gone horribly wrong, and the aforementioned ice spiders are unleashed on an unsuspecting public. The spiders are giant and they eat people, which as you can imagine is hilarious. However, there were a few gaping holes in the plot that kept me from enjoying the film on its maximum level, and I will outline them below.
Why giant spiders? This is a simple enough question. Why would the military deliberately make giant spiders, unless it was part of an operation to kill giant mosquitos? The answer: to make armor out of spider webs. I am in no way joking. The movie’s argument is that spider webs are very strong, able to hold something like four billion times their weight or some such figure. My argument is that you can tear through a spider web like the Incredible Hulk. Sure, if the spiders are giant, their webs would be harder to break through, but a bullet traveling at the speed of sound would certainly get the job done. This is not discounting the fact that, in the movie, they show a character cutting through one of the spider’s webs with a knife. Your whole “armor” argument went out the window with that one.
Patrick Muldoon’s backstory is ridiculous. Ok, so Patrick Muldoon plays a former Olympian skier that now teaches classes at a resort in Colorado. They go into this elaborate story about how he shattered his leg during the Olympic trials and had to endure surgeries and physical therapy for like five years before he was even able to ski again. Fine. I buy that. But then randomly in the third act of the movie, a character asks him, “Who put you in charge?” To which he responds, “Twelve years in the Marines.” When in the blue-ball motherfuck did he have time to spend twelve years in the Marines? Was this before or after his skiing career, which by the way seems to have lasted about fifteen years and he’s like thirty five? Also, they never mention his military career before or after this moment, which is storytelling of the highest calibur. Fucking Ice Spiders.
So there you go. Never rent this movie. I leave you with this thought: If you get a boner in public, should you hide it? Or celebrate it?
rats with wings, do your thing,
Day two of the Cracked article. This is taking a really long time, like watching Titanic on TBS.
Taking a break from writing my Cracked article.