Start The Machine

Stay awake on coffee and razorblades.

cracked:

[Teaser from Hollywood: Masters of the Optimism.]
4 Bad Movies That Were Hilariously Sure of a Sequel

#2. Masters of the Universe
Confusingly based on the action figure line rather than the stupefyingly popular cartoon show, Masters of the Universe rewarded eager young He-Man fans with a story about a teenage Courteney Cox and her dead parents. … Skeletor pops his head out of the red swimming pool of oblivion He-Man cast him into at the end of the movie and says “I’ll be back!” Considering this is Frank Langella, a man known for playing terrifying characters, suddenly bursting out of nowhere wearing a skull mask that is realistic enough to look like a facial carving to deliver one final message to a theater full of 8-year-olds who have just experienced the worst disappointment of their young lives, this scene probably dealt out more nightmares than Chatroulette.

Read More

I wrote the shit out of this.

cracked:

[Teaser from Hollywood: Masters of the Optimism.]

4 Bad Movies That Were Hilariously Sure of a Sequel

#2. Masters of the Universe

Confusingly based on the action figure line rather than the stupefyingly popular cartoon show, Masters of the Universe rewarded eager young He-Man fans with a story about a teenage Courteney Cox and her dead parents. … Skeletor pops his head out of the red swimming pool of oblivion He-Man cast him into at the end of the movie and says “I’ll be back!” Considering this is Frank Langella, a man known for playing terrifying characters, suddenly bursting out of nowhere wearing a skull mask that is realistic enough to look like a facial carving to deliver one final message to a theater full of 8-year-olds who have just experienced the worst disappointment of their young lives, this scene probably dealt out more nightmares than Chatroulette.

Read More

I wrote the shit out of this.

The 4 Least Anticipated Movies of January 2013 (on Cracked.com)

The latest installment in my monthly attempt to tell you what to do with your free time (or more specifically, what not to do). But seriously, Arnold in The Last Stand looks like an episode of Gumby if somebody lost the puppet and they glued eyes on a piece of bacon.

The Least Anticipated Movies of December 2012

A link to my latest article on Cracked, wherein I make fun of terrible-looking movies. This is probably going to be revisited each month, so get used to seeing a version of this post cluttering up your Dashboard every four weeks.

Top